Why Am I This Way? written by Beverlyn Johns, known as Mahogany Speaks respectfully

Why am I this way?  

 Why do I have moments of harshness and moments of deep     sensitivity? Moments when I feel socially awkward, and others when I   feel fully extraverted and alive? Why are there times when I have the   capacity and energy to serve others, and other times when I feel as   though I am drowning under the weight of expectations?

Why do I sometimes feel like the best mother in the world—and at the very same time, the worst? Why do memories of my divorce bring moments of regret, followed by an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom? Why do I still, at times, feel the subtle pressure to validate who I am in response to the small but persistent microaggressions of the world?

For a long time, I asked why.

Recently, I stopped.

Instead, I began asking how.

How do I lean into the quiet, humbling moments of uncertainty and insecurity?
How do I stay kind and gentle with others, even in moments when I hold power or knowledge?

My twins were diagnosed with autism at ages three and five. As I walked through that journey with them, something unexpected began to happen: I started extending grace to myself. In watching them navigate the world, I began to recognize pieces of my own experience reflected back at me. I realized that I don’t always perceive the world the same way others do. Things that felt rational and clear to me were not always received that way by others.

And that realization helped me embrace the how.

What once felt like shame during those humbling moments slowly transformed into strength. My own journey with neurodiversity became something I could acknowledge, understand, and even celebrate.

The mask I once wore—of uncertainty at times and forced confidence at others—has slowly fallen away. In its place, I have found something far better: peace and authenticity.

And that, truly, is a joyful blessing.

Embrace your “How” during your journey! 

Mahogany